Why you shouldn’t praise kids for being smart
By Patrick | March 8, 2010
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Why you shouldn’t praise kids for being smart.
I’ve been reading Malcolm Gladwell’s latest book “What The Dog Saw” and came across, what I thought was a pretty interesting lesson. As I have written before, I am a fan of his writing and have learned something about life (or myself) in each of his books but am especially keen on how much I have learned about parenting through his books.
Gladwell does not write books on parenting. I read his books and seem to find “nuggets” to help me along my way as a dad.
http://www.amazon.com/What-Dog-Saw-Other-Adventures/dp/0316075841/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1267722899&sr=1-1
In “What The Dog Saw”, he writes about a Columbia University study conducted by Columbia psychologist named Carol Dweck. The study was to determine children’s different behavioral patterns depending upon how they were praised.
It seems, from this study anyway, that to praise a child for his/her “intelligence” does not produce the same behavior as praising a child for his/her “achievement”.
Those praised for intelligence seemed to show less desire to take on new challenges or engage in activities which might increase their abilities as the risk of failure (and therefore not being seen as intelligent) was greater than the reward. It seems that they identify themselves as “intelligent being” as an innate thing and less of a malleable quality. Therefore they are more reticent to challenge that intelligence for fear of uncovering the fact that they may not be so; thereby cancelling out their identity.
Additionally, Gladwell writes that children praised for their intelligence (in this Columbia U. study) were 40% more likely to lie about test scores. This could infer that the kids who see themselves as intelligent did not want to ever come across as anything less than intelligent.
I do not know the details of the Columbia study and did not look it up, or Carol Dweck, and therefore I cannot speak to the veracity of the study. However; I can speak to my own experiences with my kiddos.
I have one kid with a very high IQ and another who has a very high EQ (”emotional quotient”). High EQ personalities are the ones who know how to work a room; they can enter any room and within 5 minutes they have connected with enough (all?) people in the room and “own the room”. This has very little to do with their actual IQ.
Bijoy Goswami has written a a great deal about these types of personalities in his wonderful book The Human Fabric.
http://www.amazon.com/Human-Fabric-Unleashing-Energy-Everyone/dp/0976057409
My kids pretty much fit the behavioral description of the Columbia study. Now, grant it, my 2 kids is hardly a sufficient sample size but I do believe enough, from my own experiences, to suggest two things:
1. Praise your kiddos for achievement over innate intelligence.
2. Read lots of books and make every salient point a “learning/teaching” opportunity.
…happy parenting….
Topics: General | Add First Comment »
Facing Death Together
By Michele | March 8, 2010
Motherhood brings out the lioness in me. No task is too small or sacrifice too great to ensure the well being of my three children. In my mind’s eye I can see myself jumping in front of an on-coming train to save their lives; feeding them first from my last ration of bread; offering myself as a meal for the hungry bear that is chasing them—and in every one of these imaginings I manage to save the day.
In the normal course of life parents feed, bathe, clothe, soothe, encourage, celebrate, hold, hug, and protect their little ones through the bumps and bruises associated with living, learning and loving. Sometimes I think of my love for them as a protective cloak that serves the double purpose of reminding them of their innate value and also guarding them from the many perils that threaten to harm them as they walk this journey of life. But when death came knocking, I could not protect them.
After delivering the devastating news to my children that my husband died in a cycling accident, I rode home in the back seat of a car with the three of them crying in my arms. They asked question, after question as I felt my heart writhe repeatedly inside my chest. Why did that man hit him, Mom? Where was Phil’s bike? Wasn’t he wearing a helmet? I thought you said he probably broke some bones. How come that driver didn’t see him? Why did he die? I remember these moments like you recall a dream, vivid and yet unfocused and out of sequence. But through the fog of emotion one feeling from that night is piercingly clear…the terrifying sensation of being completely helpless. For the first time in their young lives there was not one thing I could do to take away my children’s pain. My own pain was echoed in their cries of grief, and the invisible cape I naively believed could shield them from every trauma lay crumpled on the floor mats at our feet.
Being powerless to alter the course my children were about to travel, I realized all I could offer was a hand to hold as we walked the road that lay before us. And so we grieved—together. Some days were ugly. Some days I yelled more than I should have. Some days we cried others we laughed. They went back to school; I sat on the couch and stared into space. They did homework; I tried to pay attention. Dinner was sometimes from a box, and other times from the drive through. We went to the beach, we slept in just because, we said Phil’s name often, and celebrated the fact that we loved him every day. Life milestones were bittersweet. We held fast to some family traditions, while others were re-designed. Slowly we built a new life one day at a time.
My kids taught me many lessons in the aftermath of our family tragedy. In those early days we discovered that tears can be shared; strong parents cry too. They taught me that time together is the foundation for the memories that hold us up in times of loss. Laughing with them reminded me that being happy was necessary, too. Their love was unconditional…which meant I didn’t have to know all the answers. My kids taught me that I could lean on them; the whole world didn’t have to rest on my shoulders alone. . Together we have risen from the ashes of loss to do more for the world we inhabit, because death taught us to value life. Three teenage angels taught me to be a better mother, and to see the world as it can be if we parents truly believe all those things we teach our children…love much, laugh often, and live well.
Ironically, my inability to shield my children from every pain has allowed them to learn lessons that will shape their future in ways I would never have imagined. And my lack of superhuman powers allowed their amazing courage and natural grace to shine brightly—even death couldn’t dim their beauty.
Topics: Balancing Work and Children, Raising Children as a Single Parent, Teenagers | Add First Comment »
Small Things Equal Big Results
By Keith | March 8, 2010
We have heard it a million times in business, school, relationships and life in general.
It’s the small things that make the difference.
Then why do the vast majority of people keep searching for that magic bullet, that secret ingredient, that special something to catapult them to success?
Van Gogh said, “Great things are done by a series of small things brought together.”
Vince was a pretty talented guy. You know, Starry Nights, Irisis and like a gazillion other amazing masterpieces. We remember him for great things. Monumental things. Brilliant things.
And yet he says it was all about the small things.
Thoreau said this, “Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity! I say, let your affairs be as two or three, and not a hundred or a thousand. Simplify, simplify.”
Now, I am not suggesting you go cut off your ear or go find a cabin in the middle of the woods and cut yourself off from the world. I mean, if you think that’s what you need, go for it…but there are likely other routes to take.
In our insanely fast paced world, we often try and do it all. We imagine ourselves into this huge life and often think we are going to get their with one great leap forward as if there is that one thing that will propel us forward into greatness.
It doesn’t work that way.
Of course, there are exceptions. There are those occasional one-hit-wonders in life. There are the Tin Tin’s of business and entrepreneurship. (anyone who didn’t grow up in the 80’s is now Googling “Tin Tin.”)
People who struck it big on seemingly a single attempt. “Kiss Me” by Tin Tin was said to be written in 24 hrs after the band was signed. It’s still on the radio today. Yeah, I know Tin Tin is the guy who went on to form Duran Duran…but he wasn’t at the time…he was just a dude who wrote a song.
It happens…but very, very, very, very rarely. Did I make the point?
More often, it’s the Sinatra’s who make it. I tried to find exactly how many songs he recorded, but it was tough. The most accurate account I could find was 1285.
1285!
And that’s probably a little low.
Wow! That’s a serious body of work. That’s 25+ songs a year over a 50-year career.
That’s enough to make you feel lazy, isn’t it?
It was the countless number of hours writing and recording in the studio, consistently over his career that made The Chairman great.
It was the countless performances he gave to crowds of all sizes that made him great.
It was the thousands of martinis he drank and women he flirted with…
Okay, I got carried away.
So, what’s our lesson here?
Small forwarding, positive actions over time create enduring success.
Or as Jeff Olson calls it…the Slight Edge.
It’s the seemingly insignificant things that at the time we do them don’t seem to make a difference that over time create greatness.
In relationships with ourselves and others…
- It’s getting off work a little early once a week to pick your kids up from school and spend some uninterrupted time together.
- It’s having family dinner consistently together so you can just talk.
- It’s bringing home flowers on a Tuesday…that’s not her birthday, anniversary or mother’s day.
- It’s rubbing his shoulders without being asked.
- It’s setting aside “us time” and “me time” consistently…not just when you can’t take it any more.
- It’s meditating, working out and reading…at least a few times EVERY WEEK.
- It’s eating that one raw meal a day.
These are all seemingly insignificant things that add up over time…and over time they contribute to the body of work that is our lives.
In business and marketing…
- It’s making new contacts and exposures to our business every single day.
- It’s putting out 1 single piece of good content online every day.
- It’s stepping up to lead even when you may not think you are ready.
- It’s stretching yourself past your comfort zone…and doing it with joy.
- It’s doing the thing NOW, not tomorrow or next week, but NOW!
I know that we get a lot of conflicting information. Some advice teaching us to focus on getting the big parts of our lives in order, to focus on vision, to make sure the most important things are our priorities.
These things are all true.
But we don’t get where we are going by leaping the chasm. We get there by putting one foot in front of the other and simply taking a step forward.
It’s really not that hard.
And that’s the challenge.
It’s simple.
So most people miss it.
Do the small things anyway.
Choose what you want. Create the vision. Decide what things need to be done to move your forward towards your goals.
Then just get started.
Hold your vision in mind while focusing on what’s next. What is the next thing you need to do? Then just do it.
Check it off the To-Do list.
This is so much more than just staying in action. It’s adopting a belief system that success is the culmination of many small influences and actions. It’s “a knowing” that the thing you are doing right now is either moving you closer to or further away from what you want.
Let’s go get it done.
But please, please, please…do it with style. Put YOU into your daily actions. If you are going to show up…SHOW UP!
Show up with 100% of who you are – whether it’s parenting, being intimate, marketing, training, talking to a prospect, learning from a mentor, taking care of yourself, working out, being quiet or making a difference for someone.
So what are you waiting for?
Go get jiggy with it.
Here’s one way right now for you to get jiggy. ReTweet this post for me to your followers. Be valuable for other people and repost a link to this article for your Facebook friends.
Looking forward to seeing your version of “My Way.”
Topics: General | Add First Comment »
Working Towards a Successful Co-parenting Relationship
By Brooke | March 7, 2010
Friday I got an email from my son’s 4th grade teacher. In it, she wrote, “By the way, I respect the way you and Matt work together on Christian’s behalf! He is lucky to have two parents that care so much!” I immediately sent Matt, my son’s father, a text message relaying the compliment and giving him kudos. It was such a proud moment for us, because it hasn’t always been easy to get to this place.
Co-parenting can be difficult, and it is for most people. You and your ex are no longer one parenting unit; you are two individuals working towards the same goal of raising a happy and healthy child. Most single parents forget this common goal, and things get ugly. When you loose sight of the goal, co-parenting becomes an absolute nightmare. Emotions and past differences can enter the picture, and all of a sudden you are hanging up on one another, arguing about issues that have nothing to do with parenting and spending most of your time generally hating each other. Co-parenting does not have to be a horrendous experience. When you find a way to successfully co-parent it makes life much easier for you and your ex, and most importantly your child.
Matt and I have been co-parenting from separate homes for the last 7 ½ years. It hasn’t always been the friendly, supportive, successful relationship that it is now. It took us a few years to adjust to this new partnership. It didn’t only take time; it took putting our differences, our pride, and our righteousness aside to focus on the goal. It has taken hard work. The goal is always the same: a happy and healthy child. It always comes back to the happiness and the health of the child. That’s it. If you can remember this, you are on your way to creating a successful co-parenting partnership.
There are some things to keep in mind on this journey to a creating a successful partnership with your ex. Some are simple, and some are incredibly difficult. But if you truly have your child’s best interest in mind, they will be easy to overcome.
Forget the Past
The first step is the hardest. Your relationship has ended for a reason. One, if not both parties, have gotten hurt, hearts have been devastated. It is not easy to let those feelings go. You have heard the saying, “Forgiven, but not forgotten.” We are working with the opposite. You do not have to forgive your ex-husband for cheating, or your ex-girlfriend for leaving you in pursuit of greener pastures. You just have to forget it. You have to let it go. The hurt and resentment you feel will not help you in your desire to have a successful co-parenting relationship. This won’t happen over night, but continuously reminding yourself that you are forgetting the hurt and the betrayal for the sake of your child will gradually help you move forward.
Talk It Out
Once you have decided that you wish to put the trash talking, anger-inducing relationship behind you, talk to your ex about it. Let them know that you want to create a positive working relationship for the sake of your child. Let he or she know that you are willing to put the past in the past, and move forward as business partners with a common interest. Sometime you have to be the bigger person here. It is not always easy to have this conversation. Express to your ex how much better your child’s life can be with two parents who are on the same team, and back each other up. The continuity from house to house makes a transition for a child so much easier. If you and your ex have a good working relationship, you will communicate more often, and be more knowledgeable about your child’s life while at the other parent’s house. You will be setting a great example for your child, showing them the importance of working with others to achieve a common goal. Let your ex know how important this is to you, and how beneficial this will be to your child.
Stay on Topic
Once you and your ex have decided to work towards a successful co-parenting relationship, you need to keep communication strictly on topic. If you stray away from discussing your child, chances are high that you will revert to conversations that dredge up disagreement and hurt. Only talk about relevant information. This is very important in the beginning. Personal conversations are off limits in the beginning. I mean, do you really care how his new girlfriend is doing? Probably not.
Test the Waters Occasionally
If you and the ex have been doing well working towards your goal, and communicating with one another without starting World War III, test the water every so often. Start small. Ask how his job is going. Ask how her mother is. Try a topic that doesn’t involve any “hot topics” from your past relationship. If the two of you can have a cordial conversation about something topical, congratulations, you are making steps towards positive co-parenting.
Work as a Team
Being part of a successful co-parenting partnership does not mean that you take your child to the park together on Sunday’s or that you go on family vacations together. It means that both parties can put aside personal feelings and convictions for the betterment of the child’s life. You are working towards birthday parties with both sides of the family again, both parents in the stands at every basketball game, and both parents on the same team when your child needs support and encouragement. You want your child to see you as that one parenting unit again, even though you are in two separate homes.
Everyone’s definition of successful co-parenting will be different. Matt and I have gotten to a point in the last four years where we are actually friends again. Being a successful co-parent does not mean you have to be friends with your ex, you just need to be able to put the past behind you and work towards a positive future for your child. When you are able to do this, the emotional well being of your child will improve tenfold, and everyone involved will be much more happy.
Topics: Raising Children as a Single Parent | Add First Comment »
I Love Having Teenagers
By Bill | March 5, 2010
I can’t tell you the number of people, who when I tell them that I have teenagers, say things like “Wow that must be tough” or “Good luck you will need it”. I don’t care, I love having teenagers. I really do. I can still remember what my life was like as a teenager. I can remember when I was honest with my parents and when I was not. I can remember all of the things that I put my parents through. Believe me growing up in a family of five, where you came home when the street light came on, we had allot of time to put our parents through hell. I know that my kids, or at least one of them, will do the same to me but… I still love having teenagers.
So why you ask? Why after all that you put your parents through? Why after all of the warnings others are giving you? Why knowing full well that the “apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” do you still love having teenagers? Well here is why in this weeks (drum roll please):
TOP 10 LIST WHY I LIKE HAVING TEENAGERS:
1. I don’t have to ever watch Barney again
2. They can make their own lunch’s or starve. Their choice not mine.
3. At 16 my car pool duties get cut in half.
4. Toying with them is soooo much funner
5. They are actually concerned about being grounded if they don’t do their chores
6. I no longer need to pay for babysitters
7. They are strong in their opinions and resolve. I respect that.
8. I get to see that what I created may actually have a purpose in this world
9. Threatening to take away their cell phone pretty much guarantees me that I get whatever I want.
10. No matter how independent they become, or how mature they claim to be, I will always remember that they where my babies first and no teenager will ever take that away.
What is on your Top 10 List???
Topics: Balancing Work and Children, General, Getting Your New Life In Order, How to Communicate with Your Kids, Raising Children as a Single Parent, Teenagers, The Craziness of Single Parenting, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
The loss of a child
By Tracy | March 3, 2010
As many of you know, the body of 17 year old, Chelsea King was found yesterday. She was from the local community of Poway. When I first heard the news, I started to pray right away and always kept her in my thoughts. I prayed not only for the safe return of her but I also prayed for the hearts of her parents. The suffering they must be experiencing at this time is one I can’t even begin to fathom and it brings tears to my eyes and a pain in my chest to even think about. The first thing I did when I saw my daughter, after hearing the news, was to hug her as tight as I could and count my blessings that I was holding the person that mattered the most to me in this world.
To think that all Chelsea was doing was simply running, an activity that I’m sure brought her great joy. She wasn’t out partying, she wasn’t drunk driving, she wasn’t acting careless in any way. Some would say that she shouldn’t have been running alone. It makes me sick to think that a young woman can’t run alone these days without fear of being raped and murdered. Really?
I remember the days when I was a young girl and how me and my buddies use to go out on to the cul-de-sac and play until it was night. I never worried about anything bad happening. And the parents back then, I’m sure didn’t have as much fear that anything bad would happen either. Now, I can’t even walk through a crowded area and let my daughter get too far away from me without fearing someone will grab her and run away faster than I can chase them. And it really bothers me because I like to let my daughter feels as though she has some sense of freedom without feeling like I’m too far away but not totally over-protecting her either. But today’s world almost forces us to have to be more over protective than may be necessary. And that just frankly sucks.
I had a very very brief experience of what it feels like to possibly lose a child. Certainly nowhere near the level that Chelsea’s parents are experiencing yet it was enough to immediately cause me to feel like without her I couldn’t see how it would be possible to go on. We were at the beach last summer and both playing in the waves. I started to get cold and she, being the polar bear that she is, wanted to stay in. So I got out of the water and stood from the shore to watch her. I saw her, I saw her, I saw her, I let my attention slip for what seemed only a few seconds as she was gone and then immediate panic sunk in.
I first started walking quickly towards the water, fully expecting to see her little head of red hair to come bobbing up from behind the waves. But I didn’t. Then my heart started racing as I was calling her name, still sure I would see her, but nothing. Then I thought, “Oh my God, she’s drowned.” Then I started screaming her name and crying. A couple of people saw how upset I was, came over, realized my daughter was missing then went to go get a lifeguard. The images that went through my mind were ones that I don’t even want to repeat. As I started turning my body a different direction, I finally laid my eyes on her. Not only had the current carried her the opposite direction, but she ran into a friend and had gone over to them. I was them consumed with sheer relief and anger at the same time. Angry that she would move out of my line of vision without thinking of the consequences and even more angry with myself that I just didn’t stay in the water with her. Needless to say, I will never do that again. I may not make the smartest choices sometimes, but I do always learn from my mistakes.
How does a parent even begin to deal with the loss of a child? Especially if the loss happened over something that could have been prevented. In Chelsea’s case, could she have run in a different area, sure? Could she have run with a partner, absolutely? But the sad thing is, if it wasn’t her, it would of been someone else who would have died at the hands of this monster.
I think the best thing we can do as parents, if teach our kids what to look out for and how to protect themselves if something happens. After this, I’m seriously considering having Paris and I both take self defense classes. A really great resource to teach children about stranger safety is a video done by Adam Walsh and Baby Einstein’s creator Julie Clark called Stranger Safety. This helps children understand that just because the person is someone they “kinda know” like a soccer coach doesn’t necessarily mean they are their “Safe Side Adult.” It’s done in a really funny and entertaining way. Even I learned a lot watching it.
My heart goes out to the friends and family of Chelsea. I pray their hearts will heal quickly and I pray that justice will be served.
Topics: General | Add First Comment »
My Son and The Cab Ride
By Bill | February 26, 2010
How can two kids from the same gene pool be so different? I know that my brothers and I were all from the same gene pool, but were we really this different? Kids never cease to amaze me, confuse me and enlighten me, usually all at the same time.
My kids and I have a routine each morning. They wake themselves up, shower, get ready, make breakfast, make their lunch, collect their back packs and are prepared to be out the door by 7:00 am. At least that is how the routine is suppose to play out. For the most part it usually works this way. That is as long as Jack chooses to participate in the routine.
Michaela has never had a problem with our routine. I am not sure if it is because she is a girl, or that she loves to please but whatever the reason I am happy that she is on top of it. Her beloved brother Jack is just the opposite. When Michaela is finishing breakfast and stuffing books in her backpack Jack is hitting the snooze button for the 14th time. I really never knew that you could hit your snooze button so many times. I figured that after the first 4 snoozes the alarm just says “To hell with it, I’m done” and turns itself off. Obviously Jacks alarm does not work this way.
Each morning at 7:10 I drop Jack off at the bus stop and then drive Michaela off to her school. In order to accomplish this we MUST be out of the house no later than 7:00 am. If we are late leaving (due to Jack) I seem to find find myself running yellow lights and watching 35 mph signs go by in a blur as I speed down the street at 55 mph. I like to threaten Jack that if I get a speeding ticket he is paying for it. I can hear him thinking “Yea right Dad, good one”.
This week I finally put my foot down but not on the accelerator. I told Jack that if he was not ready to go by 7:00 am there would be consequences. Should we miss the bus I was going to drop him off at a local hotel and he could take a cab from there. Again I heard him think “Yea right Dad, good one“.
Well sure enough this Tuesday it happened again. Jack took his time getting ready so I just let him mosey along. Michaela on the other hand was doing everything in her power from not cracking a smile as he slowly exited the house at 7:04 am and entered the car. There was no way that we were going to make the bus. When Jack realized that I was driving within the speed limit, and not running yellow lights he began to look a bit concerned. When he finally realized that we had missed the bus he did what any other kid would do in his situation. He began to negotiate with me.
Well true to my word, I was not about to get into a negotiating session with him now. Michaela on the other hand was bursting out laughing inside. As the little sister she knows when to laugh loudly and when to keep it in. She did the right thing this time and I was going to follow her lead.
Right after I dropped Michaela off Jack decided that since the negotiating wasn’t working he would try the next best thing, the only arrow left in his quill, he would make threats. I always love it when kids do that as as it shows they are on their last leg. He proclaimed that he wasn’t about to go to school in a cab, let alone pay for it. He would just go home and wait on me to come to my senses and drive him. No problem my fine son… I will just call the principle tell him the facts and I am sure that he will side with you Jack.
That was the last conversation I had with Jack that morning. As he got in the Yellow Cab, with the fine middle eastern driver, I waived good bye to him. I was so proud of him as he learned about one more form of public transportation. I also learned that day I was waiving good bye to those stressful last minute exits we had been experiencing.When Jack got home that night he had a a smile on his face and a brand new attitude. He understands why I did what I did, and although he wont admit it, he learned something.
Sometimes you just have to parent with love and consequences if you want to succeed. I may have just one a battle but I am now one step closer to winning the war. I am proud of him and I am proud of myself. Parenting involves tough choices but choices that need to be made sometimes in order for the routine to succeed.
Oh by the way, ever since that morning Jack has been ready to go by 6:55 am. What will Michaela have to laugh about now….
Topics: General, How to Communicate with Your Kids, Raising Children as a Single Parent, The Craziness of Single Parenting | Add First Comment »
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