From Where I’ve Come (Bill’s Story)
By Bill | August 28, 2008
So here I sit, about to do my first blog for www.singledadstown.com. Heck, one year ago I didn’t even know what a Blog was. Now I’m a blogger. What a difference a year makes. Or in my case 5 years make, but I’ll get to that in a minute. I think that it is important that I let you know why I am doing this and what I hope to accomplish with my blog. First, I am doing this because I believe that single dads deserve to have a voice in today’s society. They need to learn from each other about what works and what doesn’t work in their unique world. They need to be inspired and motivated to accomplish things that they never believed were possible when they first became a single dad. I hope that my blog will be able to do just these things. I intend in the beginning to blog weekly. Hopefully the frequency will increase as the need does for both myself and others. I also hope that if you know of other single dads or dad related blogs you would be kind enough to pass mine on. There are over 2.5 million of us out there. Imagine what we could do if we all worked together.
Now let me tell you my story. Five years ago I thought that I was “living the american dream” and in reality I was. I had a wonderful wife Sara, two beautiful children, a nice home, financial security, a successful business and many friends and family. I often wondered why I was so fortunate when others were not? Maybe I shouldn’t have wondered this so often because that “dream” was about to come crashing down at my door step. In 2003 I became aware that Sara had a drinking problem. Well I thought “no problem” I will just let her know that it needs to stop and life will go on. Funny how naive we can be with things that we don’t thoroughly understand. Little did I know that there were a lot of things I was about to not fully understand. Anyone who has ever been around alcoholism already knows what I was about to learn. You are not going to fix the problem, only the alcoholic is going to fix the problem. Well it took me an intervention and two rehab centers to learn that. I was powerless in my quest to help Sara. What I did learn very quickly was that I needed to help my children. I needed to help them process what was happening to our family. This was the beginning of me becoming a single dad.
I have to be honest, I often wondered how was I ever going to care for my children, get them to school, get them to activities, help with homework, deal with the emotional issues and try to make sense of it. I was convinced that my kids would become an anchor around my waist until Sara came back to us. I believed that I was about to start a long and slow drowning process. But to my surprise, just the opposite occurred. Those two wonderful kids became my motivation, my inspiration my reason to smile and my reason to do everything in my power to become a successful single dad. I researched, I studied, I asked for help and I relied upon my instincts. I was starting to figureout this Mr. Mom thing …and then came the divorce papers.
Well as anyone knows who has been through divorce first comes the separation. In my case Sara was required by the court to move out. Now I am officially a 24/7 single dad. No worries, just call up a babysitter set a schedule and head back to work. NOT… kids get sick, babysitters aren’t always available and who do you trust to be there with your kids when you are not? I was fortunate to have a friend of a friend home from college to help me during this time. I was starting to get back on track, or so I thought.
You see, my successful business was now starting to suffer. The income that I had always relied upon was starting to dry up. Darn, I now have an alcoholic wife, my children don’t have their mother at home, I am in the middle of a very costly and time consuming divorce, income is dwindling and expenses are growing and I am responsible for raising two healthy, happy and emotionally stable children. No problem per my mom. She loves to say the “God only puts as much on your shoulders as you can handle” I hate that saying because instead of being 6’1” tall I was starting to feel like I was 2’4” short. Well the divorce trudged on for two years but as everything else in life, it had an end. Divorces are never good. If you are considering one please do everything in your power to make it work first. You never want to look back and ask yourself “was there something else I could have done different”?
I am fortunate to be a very positive and optimistic person. I try to see the good in everything. As the old saying goes, the only difference between an optimist and a pessimist is that an optimist has more fun at living life. This was true for me because I embraced my new life with the kids as a gift from God. Although Sara was not living with us we were prospering in our lives. Sara would see the kids occasionally, but at least they knew she was there. And then the world stopped again for us.
In June of 2007 I received a call that Sara had passed away in her home at the age of 44. There is a strange finality to a call like that. First it numbs you, second it angers you and third it kicks you right in the gut. As an adult can never really prepare yourself for death, but as a child how do you even begin to make sense of it all? I had to tell my children what had happened to their mother. It was two days after school got out for their summer vacation. I will never forget the time of day, the location, or the reactions that we all had. It was truly surreal. I pray that none of you ever have to go through what we did on that day, or the days that followed. I also had to tell Sara’s 79 year-old mother, who was living in a nursing home, that the daughter she just adored, had died. Again I will never forget the emotions, location, and time of day that a wonderful woman found out that she had lost a child. Through out it all my only concern was everyone else. I had the responsibilities of children emotions, issues, estates and now caring for my 79, soon to be 80, year-old mother-in-law. Needless to say I had my hands full but God seems to have a way to help everyone out in their time of need. You see my mother-in-law was really never the same after her daughter’s death so in November of the same year God took her to be with her daughter in heaven.
You may be saying right about now I need to get off this Blog. This guy has some bad Karma going and if you did I wouldn’t blame you. What you don’t know is that I am still the most positive, lucky and blessed dad in the world. I have two amazing children who are developing into wonderful individuals at the ages of 12 and 14. Yes I have been through a lot but I have learned even more. It is with passion and conviction that I hope to create a blog that can help each of you with your challenges. You see if my children and I can survive and prosper as a healthy, happy and loving family so can you. Each week I hope to bring you stories and ideas that have truly benefited my family. I hope to inspire, motivate and encourage each of you and I hope that you will do the same for me. So until my next blog always remember that “Anyone Can Be A Father, It Takes A Special Person To Be A Dad”.
Topics: General | 15 Comments »
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:46 am
Good stuff Billy……
September 3rd, 2008 at 7:40 am
Bill, you are an inspiration to all of us!
September 5th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Beautifully written and clearly heartfelt, Bill; I hope all the blogs have that deeply personal feeling to them. Everyone has a story; it was good to hear yours and know that you’ve survived it all well. Your story offers hope.
I’ll stay tuned…….
September 8th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Hola Daddy-o!
Great blog!
You rock!
Peace out homefry!
-your daughter
September 16th, 2008 at 8:30 am
I love you Bill (you ever think your old bud would come out and say such a thing?)! It’s true!
You are doing TERRIFIC!!!
Keep blogging! We’re reading!
Jay
September 16th, 2008 at 8:32 am
Billy, I was living with my dad during that awkward time when all my friends were already wearing training bras and I was too embarrassed to tell my dad that i wanted one. I finally mustered up the courage to tell him and instead of it being a bonding experience it turned out to be even more embarrassing. He took me to a small department store and announced very loudly with his Hungarian accent that his daughter needed a training bra. Not only did the sales ladies hear but other shoppers stopped in their tracks to look. There was only one training bra and it was UGLY! My dad wasn’t the kind of man to shop around, though. He took it, paid for it, and we walked out, me several feet behind him trying to keep from crying. So, Michaela, if you’re reading this YOU ARE SO LUCKY!!!
September 17th, 2008 at 4:37 am
Bill, Thank youfor sending that to me. The timing was perfectfor me today. I needed to feel emotion like your Bolg made me feel. I needed to be reminded how fortunate I am. It was very inspiring! I hope we get to meet soon. Your children are very fortunate to have a dad like you! Be proud!
Chrissy
September 17th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Great job, loved hearing about it. Truly an inspiration, and your kids are sooo lucky. This is truly a needed topic, so glad you’re here, we’re reading!
September 18th, 2008 at 7:02 am
Hi Bill,
I am a friend of Monique Madison’s, who referred your site to our Mod Moms group here in Denver. I just had to check it out because I grew up with a single dad. My mom passed away when I was 3 and my dad never remarried or dated, so it was just me, my brother, and my dad. As the older child and the daughter I often wished my dad had a better network than the Parents Without Partners chapter that he didn’t have time for. I think a website is perfect because, as we all know, many men have a hard time asking for directions….and parenting is not something you can navigate without a bit of a guide- no matter how good you are! This is a great way for men to anonymously check things out, or participate if they are more vocal.
Thanks for doing this, I will definitely spread the word!
October 29th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
[...] Take a click on over and discover how a widower talks about buying trainging bras, and the ultimate bonding moment. If you are interested in the backstory, Bill comes clean and lays it all out on the line for you in his first post! [...]
November 17th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
its like your inside is slowly being riped apert
February 1st, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Just found you through John at Single Parent Travel… and I’m so glad I did. You’re amazing.
My ex is also an alcoholic, and I’ve been raising my kid solo for 8+ years now. Optimism is key for sure!
November 1st, 2009 at 11:59 pm
You are great, an inspiration!
Mary Goulet
December 15th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Hi Bill,
I’m touched by your story, it’s great to read this from a man’s perspective – I’m living a similar story only my husband turned out to be delusionally (paranoid) jealous – as in, he became psychotic and nothing helped, he nearly drove me to the ground till I ran away – with a 2-year old boy and pregnant with our 2nd boy – and since then (4 years ago) I’m doing all I can to mend and heal our lives. It’s a d** uphill struggle, but your positive attitude resonates with me as I also take it from the creative point of view and many here tell me they envy what I manage as a single mother, which they is more than they manage as a couple. AND I got excellent reports from the kindergarden. I’m glad I found your blog and story, hope to keep being inspired by your website in future. Friendly wishes, L.
December 15th, 2009 at 9:55 am
addition to above: by the way, he also drank too much, which aggravated his mental problem. To the present day I find it hard to be around anyone who drinks, even socially.