Working Towards a Successful Co-parenting Relationship
By Brooke | March 7, 2010
Friday I got an email from my son’s 4th grade teacher. In it, she wrote, “By the way, I respect the way you and Matt work together on Christian’s behalf! He is lucky to have two parents that care so much!” I immediately sent Matt, my son’s father, a text message relaying the compliment and giving him kudos. It was such a proud moment for us, because it hasn’t always been easy to get to this place.
Co-parenting can be difficult, and it is for most people. You and your ex are no longer one parenting unit; you are two individuals working towards the same goal of raising a happy and healthy child. Most single parents forget this common goal, and things get ugly. When you loose sight of the goal, co-parenting becomes an absolute nightmare. Emotions and past differences can enter the picture, and all of a sudden you are hanging up on one another, arguing about issues that have nothing to do with parenting and spending most of your time generally hating each other. Co-parenting does not have to be a horrendous experience. When you find a way to successfully co-parent it makes life much easier for you and your ex, and most importantly your child.
Matt and I have been co-parenting from separate homes for the last 7 ½ years. It hasn’t always been the friendly, supportive, successful relationship that it is now. It took us a few years to adjust to this new partnership. It didn’t only take time; it took putting our differences, our pride, and our righteousness aside to focus on the goal. It has taken hard work. The goal is always the same: a happy and healthy child. It always comes back to the happiness and the health of the child. That’s it. If you can remember this, you are on your way to creating a successful co-parenting partnership.
There are some things to keep in mind on this journey to a creating a successful partnership with your ex. Some are simple, and some are incredibly difficult. But if you truly have your child’s best interest in mind, they will be easy to overcome.
Forget the Past
The first step is the hardest. Your relationship has ended for a reason. One, if not both parties, have gotten hurt, hearts have been devastated. It is not easy to let those feelings go. You have heard the saying, “Forgiven, but not forgotten.” We are working with the opposite. You do not have to forgive your ex-husband for cheating, or your ex-girlfriend for leaving you in pursuit of greener pastures. You just have to forget it. You have to let it go. The hurt and resentment you feel will not help you in your desire to have a successful co-parenting relationship. This won’t happen over night, but continuously reminding yourself that you are forgetting the hurt and the betrayal for the sake of your child will gradually help you move forward.
Talk It Out
Once you have decided that you wish to put the trash talking, anger-inducing relationship behind you, talk to your ex about it. Let them know that you want to create a positive working relationship for the sake of your child. Let he or she know that you are willing to put the past in the past, and move forward as business partners with a common interest. Sometime you have to be the bigger person here. It is not always easy to have this conversation. Express to your ex how much better your child’s life can be with two parents who are on the same team, and back each other up. The continuity from house to house makes a transition for a child so much easier. If you and your ex have a good working relationship, you will communicate more often, and be more knowledgeable about your child’s life while at the other parent’s house. You will be setting a great example for your child, showing them the importance of working with others to achieve a common goal. Let your ex know how important this is to you, and how beneficial this will be to your child.
Stay on Topic
Once you and your ex have decided to work towards a successful co-parenting relationship, you need to keep communication strictly on topic. If you stray away from discussing your child, chances are high that you will revert to conversations that dredge up disagreement and hurt. Only talk about relevant information. This is very important in the beginning. Personal conversations are off limits in the beginning. I mean, do you really care how his new girlfriend is doing? Probably not.
Test the Waters Occasionally
If you and the ex have been doing well working towards your goal, and communicating with one another without starting World War III, test the water every so often. Start small. Ask how his job is going. Ask how her mother is. Try a topic that doesn’t involve any “hot topics” from your past relationship. If the two of you can have a cordial conversation about something topical, congratulations, you are making steps towards positive co-parenting.
Work as a Team
Being part of a successful co-parenting partnership does not mean that you take your child to the park together on Sunday’s or that you go on family vacations together. It means that both parties can put aside personal feelings and convictions for the betterment of the child’s life. You are working towards birthday parties with both sides of the family again, both parents in the stands at every basketball game, and both parents on the same team when your child needs support and encouragement. You want your child to see you as that one parenting unit again, even though you are in two separate homes.
Everyone’s definition of successful co-parenting will be different. Matt and I have gotten to a point in the last four years where we are actually friends again. Being a successful co-parent does not mean you have to be friends with your ex, you just need to be able to put the past behind you and work towards a positive future for your child. When you are able to do this, the emotional well being of your child will improve tenfold, and everyone involved will be much more happy.
Topics: Raising Children as a Single Parent | Add First Comment »